20 Buddies

Many thanks to Jef. Hyde for allowing the use his essay on this site.
It's an excellent reminder of who your "friends" really are.

MEET THE 20 BUDDIES:
They're here for you, each with his own, unique contribution to your life.....

1. "Hi! I'm the buddy who stains your teeth!"

2. "Hey there! I'm the one who drops hot sparks on your lap and burns holes in your pants!"

3. "Hello; I'll make your curtains beige, instead of white, and gunk up your windows."

4. "Greetings! How'd you like your breath to smell like homemade sh*t...?"

5. "Howdy! I'd like to work my rancid, smoky odor into all your furniture, rugs and clothes..."

6. "Hi; remember me? I'm the one who sticks to your lip, and when you go to remove me from your mouth, your fingers slide down to the tip and grab the glowing ember and you get scorched? Yeah! How ya been?"

7. "Yo! I'm the one that blows back into your rear seat and sets the car's upholstery on fire."

8. "He.... HACK! HACK! HACK! Hell... HACK! HACK!...HAWK! PTOOOEY! Hello, there!"

9. "Hey! I'm the one your kid sneaked out of the pack to take out to the woods with his pals..."

10. "Good evening. I'm the last one in the pack; the one that makes you walk thru the rain or snow to the convenience store so you won't be stuck with no smokes in the morning."

11. "Yoohooo! Over here! Want emphysema?"

12. "Hello. I'm the one you don't really think about, but reach for automatically when the phone rings, or you turn the key in the car's ignition."

13. "Hi! I'm the one you suck down in about 27 seconds, just before you rush inside from your work break."

14. "Hey, sweetheart! I'm the one you really wanted, but had to crush out and leave behind because of something that came up someplace where you CAN'T smoke."

15. "Hi! I'm going to bring you chest pains and a 4:00AM ride to the emergency room, because you just might be having a coronary. No--I was just kidding you! HAHAHA! (Where's your sense of humor?)"

16. Hello. I'm going to constrict your circulation and make it tough to sustain an erection. You're welcome."

17. " 'sup, man? I'm the one you cup in your hand, shielding me against the wind while you try and light about 17 matches before the damn bus comes, and you fumble around and get so pissed off you snap me in two and can't smoke me anyway, you chump...."

18. "Hey, pal! You left me burning in the ashtray and I rolled off and f*cked up your nice new desk. Heeheehee...."

19. " Hello. I'm going to be the one that finally provokes that first heart attack. Made a will?"

20. "All right. Remember the one about the straw and the camel's back? I'm the one who pushes your system that final little bit too far, and makes that marginal batch of cells metastasize. I'm the one who's going to give you cancer...and you just can't be sure which one in which pack I am, can you?"

©2000 by Jef. Hyde

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