On July 25, 2000, shortly before going to bed, I smoked my last cigarette. This is the diary of my cessation efforts. It runs through the end of March, 2001, at which point I got too busy to update it. Even so, it offers some insight to what it's like to quit, and some of the obstacles you may face. I highly recommend beginning your own Quit Diary. You don't have to publish it on-line for all to see. A simple notepad and a pencil will do just fine. But it really helps to write about your experiences. LB

Day ONE - July 26, 2000
Well, the acupuncture seems to be working. I don't have nearly as much urge to smoke as I did the last hundred times I've tried to quit. I still had to remind myself several times today that I am no longer a smoker. I am now an EX-SMOKER. Boy, that just feels good to say.

I called my friend Jef. Hyde. He's been quit for over 8 months now. I figure he's a good one to talk to when I need support. I'll probably drive him nuts over the next month or two. He turned me on to an on-line support group that I checked out today. As with any newsgroup, there are some good people and some people I think I will avoid. All in all, a good resource for strength.

Day TWO - July 27, 2000
Big headache today; I think it's due to the nicotine withdrawal. May also be due to lack of caffeine. Have decided to cut down on coffee and Cokes because nicotine cuts the effectiveness of caffeine. Without the nicotine to take the edge off, I'd probably be out pricing M-16s and the like. Temper flared easily today. I had to remind myself that it was because of the lack of smoking and get myself under control.

Posted a message on the support group today that just about ripped my heart out. I titled it "Why Did I Quit". Someone had asked the group for reasons that they quit. I figured that there would be enough people talking about health concerns in general and decided to take a different tack. Although I didn't really want to delve into this subject, I wrote about my father's last few days, how he ultimately lost the battle with cancer. It tore me apart to write it - I cried a bucket of tears. However, it also helped strengthen my resolve. Began to think about putting together a web site dedicated to quitting.

Day THREE - July 28, 2000
Poor Eva. She's being very supportive of all this. She's not having near as much difficulty with this whole ordeal - maybe because she hasn't smoked for nearly as long as I have, nor did she smoke as much. Regardless, she is doing quite well and is being very understanding of my difficulties as well. Just one more reason to love her so much. Began working on the Web site Some idiot claiming to be a Ph.D. posted to the support group about how nicotine is not addictive and that we all smoke because it costs so much. Uh, WHAT?!? The consensus was "Drop Dead". What a loon.

Day FOUR - July 29, 2000
This was a tough one. During the week, I could keep myself busy with work. Today - Saturday - it wasn't so easy. Eva and I took a day trip to New Hope, PA, a little town just across the border that has tons of craft shops to browse in. Later, we went to pick up several prints that were being framed. Spent much of the afternoon hanging the prints and admiring them. Worked more on the Web site I wanted to smoke all day. This really sucks. But I kept reminding myself that it would suck even worse to die before my time.

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Day FIVE - July 30, 2000
OK, it's official: I HATE THIS!! I was really edgy all day today. For the first time in I don't know how long, I was getting upset in traffic. You know...someone would cut me off and I would press the imaginary VAPORIZE button, screaming invective all the while. Kept as busy as I could so I wouldn't think about smoking.

Day SIX - July 31, 2000
Couldn't sleep at all last night. Was up most of the night staring at the ceiling. Went downstairs so as not to disturb Eva. Thankfully, my boss let me take the day off...even gave it to me as a freebie since I've been putting in so many extra hours. Slept half of it away - a great way to avoid smoking, by the way. Spent the other half working on the Web site Began the diary and got caught up through today. Tomorrow, I will check all the links and anchors, and upload the site. Plan to write in the diary on a daily basis and upload changes at least once a week.

I feel like this whole web thing is helping me stay quit. I has really given me something positive to put my energy into. That was one of the major goals from the beginning; the other is to help others quit. We'll see what kind of response I get.

Day SEVEN - August 1, 2000
Checked all the links and anchors on the site and uploaded it. Jef. gave it a once through and reminded me to do a spell-check once in a while. (DOH!!) Fixed the misspellings he caught and reloaded. Posted announcement on the support group. The quit is going OK. Still have cravings, though. Notice that I'm getting antsy...walking the floor somewhat. Also having trouble focusing. Will have to work on that.

Day EIGHT - August 2, 2000 - The ONE-WEEK Anniversary
Oh, you gotta love it! Made it through my first week! It sure felt good to post that one on the support group. Of course, there were lots of congratulations posted. Jef. blew my cover by referencing the circus, the Bolivian Navy and the Kirov Ballet...all in one post! Sheesh...next thing you know, he'll let slip that we were in the CIA together. Then the stuff will really hit the fan. I mean, just imagine if the Bolivian Navy realizes that we weren't really defectors...but CIA spies instead. Anyway, it's great to be into my second week.

Day NINE - August 3, 2000
Oooooh boy!!
I almost slipped. I mean, my foot was on the ol' banana peel and ready to go. Thankfully, I caught myself at the last minute. It was about the end of my work day...one of the times that - in the smoking past - I would have relaxed with my trusty old "friend", a cigarette. Didn't have any, of course, because I got rid of all those things the day I quit. After pacing about for a bit, I decided to go to the Quickimart around the corner and get a bottle of something cool to drink. Picked out a flavored ice tea and went on up to the counter. Without even realizing it, I asked for a pack of cigarettes. All of a sudden, I said to myself, "just what do you think you're DOING?!?!?!

Told the clerk "uh, never mind...just the tea."

She looked at me as if I'd just lost my mind right in front of her. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure...just the tea."

With a skeptical look on her face, she slowly put the cigarettes back in the rack. Then inspected my eyes to see if I was on something. No, dammit, I'm not...I just wish I was...

Whew!! That was close...

Came home, read "Why Did I Quit" and dropped into the support group. I'm feeling much better now.

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Day TEN - August 4, 2000
Thank God It's Friday!! Lots of follow-up posts to my "Almost Slipped" post from yesterday. This has helped me shore up my resolve. Stayed firm all day today. Am planning a lot of work around the house tomorrow to stay active.

I've noticed that my lungs are beginning to clear themselves. Didn't realize it would start so quickly but am VERY pleased by this.

Day ELEVEN - August 5, 2000
ALL RIGHT!!! I'm into double digits!! Woo-hoo, yippee and all that stuff!

Spent most of the day doing major cleaning around the house. My daughter is coming to visit and Eva and I both want the place to look great - to go along with our great new lifestyle. Had very few urges throughout the day - probably because I was so busy. That seems to be one of the keys for me: to stay busy. I think that next week I'll look for ways to keep active during what used to be "down time".

Day TWELVE - August 6, 2000
Continued with the cleaning today. Kept pretty busy with that. Not much else to it today. Eva and I are both happy that everything will look so nice for Dominique.

Day THIRTEEN - August 7, 2000
I hate Mondays...always have, always will. This one wasn't as bad, though. I know that this is the last work week before vacation, so I'm excited by that. Not too many urges today. When they did come, I took a few deep breaths and waited for them to pass. Oh, hey...I'm a teenager today! Cool!!

Day FOURTEEN - August 8, 2000
Didn't have much time to think about smoking today. Had a lot of work to do to get things tied up before vacation. Spent the evening putting some final touches on the house. All in all, not a bad day.

Day FIFTEEN - August 9, 2000
Hump day. Glad it's here. Am getting really excited about Dominique coming to visit. Not as much to work on today...one major project got put on hold. The down time made it a little more difficult today. Being idle made room for more cravings. Still fighting them off, though. That's a good thing.

Day SIXTEEN - August 10, 2000
Sweet sixteen. That feels good. Notice that I'm finding every little thing I can to celebrate? It's like when you were first in love and you'd celebrate every little anniversary. Guess what, honey? Today is the three week anniversary of the first time you kissed my right kneecap...SURPRISE!!! What the heck...it's helping. I'm getting really jittery now, though. Am very excited to see Dominique. We haven't seen each other since February.

Day SEVENTEEN - August 11, 2000
I'm writing this after the fact. Today I dropped the ball. And picked up a pack of cigarettes. Looking back, I can see what happened. Too bad I didn't see it when it did. Over the past week, I've been getting more and more anxious about vacation and seeing my daughter. Tonight Eva and I both were on pins and needles. The next thing you know, we've both got a cigarette in our mouths. Yeesh!! The good news is that we didn't ramp back up to previous smoking levels and that it only lasted a few days. We quit again on my birthday, so I still made it on time to keep my promise.

One thing I realized after the fact is that writing in this diary has been helping me more than I realized. I hadn't been keeping up with it this past week. I would play catch up every couple of days, but I wasn't on top of it like I was at the beginning. I feel that, in order to ensure this quit works, I'm going to have to make time every day to work on this diary, as well as the rest of the site. Thankfully, I also have some close friends that have already gone through the quit and I can reach out to. I just need to reach a little sooner and faster sometimes! OK...smoke break's over...back on your head...

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Day 8 - 8/22/00
OK...back to real time. It is now day 8 since I re-quit. It has been a bit easier because now I know how quickly I can be pulled back into smoking if I let my guard down...even just a little. Jef. and I traded e-mails and I admitted to him that I had gone through a restart. He was very encouraging and promised me that no-one was going to point a finger. Yeah, the relapse stinks (in more ways than one) but if I can get something useful out of it, then I can find the silver lining. Taken as a part of my lifetime of smoking, it was a lesson easily bought. Now if I can really learn from it!!

Day 9 - 8/23/00
Today, for some reason, the cravings have been stronger. It was hard at times to stay focused on work. At one point, I got several calls from my cohorts out in Fremont, CA - I telecommute from New Jersey - in the space of 10-15 minutes. By the fourth call I was ready to chop someone's head off. I didn't care who - just the next person that called and interrupted me. When I hung up on that call, I went outside and took a quick walk to get myself back together. The last thing I want to do is unload on some poor, unsuspecting coworker for no good reason. Sure, if they deserve it, hit 'em with a hammer. But no-one had done anything wrong; they just needed to talk to me. I'm very pleased that I didn't go ballistic. I like my job and would like to keep it for a while longer, y'know?

Day 10 - 8/24/00
All right!! I'm back into double digits again. That feels good. Got word today that I'll be taking a trip to Fremont again soon. That's going to be interesting. While I'm at work, I should have no problem not smoking. But after work, I'm basically on my own and bored stiff. It's going to be a real challenge. Will make sure to take along a few extra books and such to keep myself occupied.

Today was OK...maybe I'm actually starting to get used to this a little. Not that the cravings have gone away completely - I know I'll have to deal with them for quite a while. But at least I didn't want to kill anyone today.

Day 11 - 8/25/00
Thank Goodness It's Friday. Am glad to be through the week. The whole problem with these multiple servers talking to each other and not getting it right has been a pain. I hope that it will be better next week. It's frustrating to be ready to work and not be able to due to computer problems. Ah, well...so much for technology making my life easier. Another day without cigarettes, though...and that's a GOOD thing!

Day 12 - 8/26/00
Eva and I cleaned house all morning, which kept us busy and nonsmoking Went to the local diner for late breakfast at noon. It's weird to sit on the nonsmoking side nowadays. The smoking side is the original diner and looks like one. The nonsmoking side is more like a casual restaurant. Now we have to get to know a new wait staff...they almost never change sides...and we'll have to teach them all the quirks of serving us. That's ok, it'll give us something to do. Went to Blockbuster and picked up a bunch of movies for the weekend.

After a movie and a nap, Eva took us to Red Lobster for dinner. I don't really care for the place myself (they NEVER get my steak right when I order surf and turf) but she loves the King Crab Legs. Since she paid, she got to pick the restaurant. It was fun, a nice quiet evening. It's weird, though, not smoking several cigarettes during the meal. We're both so used to it, that to do otherwise feels unnatural. Had to remind myself several times that it was unnatural. to smoke, not the other way around.

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Day 13 - 8/27/00
Movies and laundry...that was the gist of this day. A nice relaxing time. Eva made a great meatloaf for dinner and also a pot of chicken soup for during the week. Didn't do much of anything but hang out with each other and the dogs...bunch of little monsters...gotta love 'em.

Day 14 - 8/28/00
Almost two weeks again. Doesn't seem like it's been that long. Then again, it seems like years!! Mondays are tough days for me to not smoke. All the hassle of getting spooled back up, I guess. But all's OK...no cigs today. Looking forward to hitting the two week mark again.

Day 15 - 8/29/00
First thing this morning, I came in to look at my meter. TWO WEEKS!! TWO WEEKS!!

<<Dances wildly around the room. Shouts with glee...getting dogs excited by running around...>>

Every time I had a craving today, I would say to myself, Nope. I'm not going to smoke toady. I'm not going to ruin my streak. Oh, this feels good!!!

Day 16 - 8/30/00
Hump day...good thing...this week feels like it's lasted a month already. One of the things I'm noticing lately is what the group calls "brain fog". I've been finding it hard to keep myself focused on work. Sometimes, I zone out and it isn't until I snap out of it that even notice I've been gone. Another interesting aspect to this is that my slight dyslexia seems to be a bit more prevalent. When I type I have the tendency to switch letters without realizing it. Not that I haven't done that in the past, but usually, I realize it as soon as I've done it. The few times I miss it, I pick it up when I reread what I've written. Lately, however, I've missed it more often than I've caught it. I attribute this to the brain fog and am hoping that it goes away with time.

Day 17 - 8/31/00
Today was frustrating. I still can't finish the prep work for the project I will be working on while in Fremont next week. There's a part of the software involved that just doesn't want to work properly yet. Oh, well...the tech guys are probably even more frustrated than I am. I'm proud of the fact that I didn't bite anyone's head off about it. Even though I felt like it...not because I was mad at them, just that I was upset that I couldn't do my work. A few times, Junkie Thinking reared its ugly head but I slapped it back down and kept on going. Nope, not me...I'm not a junkie anymore.

Day 18 - 9/1/00
Today went pretty well. I was thinking less about the computer problem and more about the trip to Fremont. Also, for some reason, Fridays seem to be an easier day...maybe because it's the last day of my work week. Eva came home early and we went for an early dinner. Finally got a steak in New Jersey that hadn't been burnt to a crisp.

Day 19 - 9/2/00
The weekend got off to a great start. Finished watching a movie we fell asleep to last night. Then out for brunch at the local diner. Spent the afternoon cleaning up and Eva making spaghetti. Notice how food has become even more important in my life? Heh, heh.

Day 20 - 9/3/00
Today was a really wonderful day. Other than the time I spent packing, Eva and I did very little, except to be with each other. It was a very peaceful day, and will be a warm memory while I'm in California. I'm not looking forward to being away from home this far into my quit. Am a bit worried that the distance and the fact that I will miss Eva and be bored when not working will cause me to weaken. Also, the fact that I won't have access to the support group is making me nervous. There are a lot of people on there giving me a ton of support. I'm going to miss it.

Day 21 - 9/4/00
Well, the flight went pretty well. In fact, everything went very smoothly from door to door. Am staying at the Hawthorne Suites where I've stayed before. This time it's in a mini-suite so I don't have a separate bedroom as in the past, but it's still nice...still have a sofa and kitchenette and a desk. Not that I'll ever use the desk...I think the laptop can get a rest at night. Had some cravings during the day, but couldn't smoke if I wanted to...never left the airport during layover in Chicago. Not enough time to think about that. Just hop off one plane and on to the next. Am having a bit of a craving as I write this, but I'm taking care of that with a bag of greasy little tacos from Jack in the Box...one of my favorite things out here.

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Day 22 - 9/5/00
A good day today. Got to brag to all my coworkers out here that I was still quit. That felt good - none of them smoke and several VOF's (very old fogies, quit for over three years or more). Got ribbed a little about putting on some weight but the quitters all understand. Told me about there weight gain and the fact that each of them eventually lost the extra weight. Whew!! Good thing...don't want to lose my girlish figure. HA!

Kirk (my boss) took me out for Middle Eastern food tonight. He loves the stuff and knows a great little family owned dive. We chowed down on Hummus and Kebabs. YUM!! Going to watch a movie and hit the hay.

Day 23 - 9/6/00
Not much to tell today. Work, Jack in the Box and a movie. That's about it. Not many cravings today, buy I sure miss my sweetie and all the kids (3 dogs and a cat). Bed feels awful big without everyone else. Of course the dogs sleep with us...don't yours?!?

Day 24 - 9/7/00
My friend Tom and I went to Outback for a steak tonight. Told me an hilarious story about buying Nicotine Patches. Tom is somewhat older than me, has silver white hair and beard and is obviously old enough to buy the stupid things. Went on and on about how the local Target refused to let him buy them without knowing his Birthday. On principle, he refused. Took it through several levels all the way to the store manager - who agreed that it was stupid, agreed that Tom was more than old enough to buy the patches, but still refused to sell them to him. When Tom told him he was about to lose a customer, the manager said "Oh, well".

Tom left in quite a huff and proceeded to go to four other stores in the area, all of which sold him patches without requiring his Birthday. I really understood the problem, both from a withdrawal, give me my darn patches viewpoint, and the customer service viewpoint. (Tom is the Customer Relations Manager for my company; we got to know each other after he got tired of sending all the Service attaboys to me. Figured if he got to know me personally, he could stop writing so many memos. I never did let him off that hook.)

Not much else to tell about today except that I'm really missing my family BAD!!! I wanna go home!!!

Day 25 - 9/8/00
Last day here and it went by pretty quickly, I'm glad to say. I was happy to have a lot to do to keep my mind off thinking about going home. After work, I got my suitcase all packed and ready. I'll be so happy to get home.

Day 26 - 9/9/00
The flights went well. Spent a lot of them napping or reading. Good thing about being in an airplane: I know I can't smoke, no matter how bad the craving is. Wired, huh? As always, the airport was nuts when I got there. Thankfully, after a few minutes of frustration, I was in the car with Eva and we were headed home.

The dogs went nuts when I came in the door. Jumping around, wagging their tails, demanding serious petting. Boy, it's great to be loved.

Day 27 - 9/10/00
Spent the day recuperating from the flight. Watched some tube, went out to dinner with Eva. A nice, lazy day to settle back in. We spent some time talking about he we each did while I was gone. I'm really proud of us both for keeping with it.

Day 28 - 9/11/00
I always hate Mondays...and the Monday after a trip is the worst kind. Spent all day getting myself organized for another set of projects. Didn't have too many cravings, but boy I felt like killing the little kid that kept taunting my dogs through the window. The only reason I didn't go yell at him, is I knew if I let loose at all, I'd end up killing him. Then I'd be in jail...and I'm sure that would have been depressing enough to want to smoke. So I just shot at him with my pretend shotgun.

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Day 29 - 9/12/00
Today, I feel much better...more focused, more in control. Kept myself busy all day and managed to get a lot done. One thing I'm sure of: the busier I am, the fewer cravings I get. I'm going to make sure that my boss keeps me "overloaded" with work. I think it will help. Got to post my 4W meter all day today. Got lots of congratulations. I really enjoy the folks on the support group...they've helped so much. And to think, I get to do it all over again in a couple of days when I post my first month.

Day 30 - 9/13/00
Oh boy, oh boy. I keep thinking about my one month anniversary. Can't wait to wake up and post my first message as an M. Anytime I had a craving, I thought about that milestone. I hope I can sleep tonight.

Day 31 - 9/14/00
ONE WHOLE MONTH!!!!! I made it! Look, ma, I made it!! What a wonderful feeling. As soon as I saw Eva off to work, I ran to the computer to post my first message as an M. What fun!! The whole day was full of visits to the support group to celebrate the milestone, as well as to encourage those right behind me. The "band" will be playing a lot of songs over the next few days.

Day 32 - 9/15/00
Another Work week bites the dust. Eva has been putting in twelve hour days all week, so tonight I took her out for dinner. Afterwards, we went to the video store to load up on some movies for the weekend. She fell asleep during the first one we watched. That's fine with me...she really needs it. Besides, we don't have anything to do tomorrow.

Day 33 - 9/16/00
Spent the whole day either cleaning up around the house (our normal Saturday ritual) or watching movies. In the evening, we went to dinner with two people from Eva's company and their wives. We've known Mike and Sue since back in Richmond...they're both just wonderful. Eva met Chet here in NJ. This was my first chance to meet him. He and his wife are both very nice. We ate at a great Portuguese reassurance in Perth Amboy. PA has a large Latin community...much of it Portuguese. The downtown area reminded Eva and I of a time gone by. It was like the old neighborhoods...you know, the ones that are being bulldozed in favor of Urban Renewal. The restaurant is in the old Naval Armory right on the water. Eva had a HUGE Brazilian lobster tail. I had what they call the Rotisserie meal. They have several different kinds of meat that they turn over an open fire. Then they bring the spits right to your table and serve you whichever you like. Of course, being the first time I had tried it, I had one of everything. It was great. Finished up with coffee and chocolate mousse. We stayed for quite some time just talking and enjoying the night air. (We ate out in the courtyard.) When it finally got too chilly, we said our good-byes. One of the best things was that neither of us ever had to leave the table to feed our habit. Just one more reason to happy to have quit.

Day 34 - 9/17/00
Another easy day. I had a bit of trouble getting to sleep (probably too much coffee and chocolate) so we stayed up very late watching movies. Didn't get up until just after 11. Took Eva to brunch and then went to do a few errands. Have spent the last while at the computer getting the diary caught up. Am going to go ahead and upload it soon.

You, know...I think it's getting easier. Oh, sure, I still have difficult days. But at least EVERY day isn't difficult. In the beginning, I had a hard time believing the OF's on the support group when they said it would get easier. Now, I can see that this will eventually become my normal way of living. The habit may die hard...but it WILL die.

Day 35 - 9/18/00
Mondays...man, I hate Mondays. Like it or not, however, I had to get out of bed - just like the rest of you. Actually, after the first hour or so, it's better than it used to be as a smoker. Back when I smoked, it would take me two or three hours to get to the point that I could face the world. Now it only takes an hour or so. I'll take that as improvement! Other than that, it was an OK day.

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Day 36 - 9/19/00
Good day today. Not many cravings and didn't eat three times as much food as I should have. The only drawback for me in all of this is that I have gained a lot of weight. If I gain ten more pounds, I'm not going to be able to wear all those really nice suits I've bought over the past two years. <<GRIN>> It's beginning to feel like Fall...I'm going to enjoy that. As a matter of fact, I'm enjoying life quite a bit since I quit smoking, thank you.

Day 37 - 9/20/00
I love Wednesdays...the week is half over. Eva and I went out to eat tonight - you'll find that we do that a lot - this time for Chinese. There's a nice little restaurant right around the corner from us that's very good and not too expensive. We're getting used to sitting in the nonsmoking section. Doesn't feel strange anymore. I like that.

Day 41 - 9/24/00
Yeah, I know...I missed a few days there. Not really anything to report; all went well. Yes, I still have cravings. And if my new nonsmoking friends on the support group are correct, I'm going to have them for quite a while longer. The good things is that most of them are not as severe as in the beginning and they don't come as often. The two main focuses of the cravings are: 1) certain triggers, such as after a meal, and 2) when I'm really stressed out. So I'm trying different things to replace smoking at those times. I have found that by changing my patterns, it helps minimize the cravings. Just a thought...you're results may vary.

Day 42 - 9/25/00
Here we go with this Monday thing again. Today, I started testing the Web site in earnest. For those of you that don't know, in April I went from being a Store Manager for Men's Wearhouse to working on their web site Mainly, I am a writer...I've written everything from sales copy, to articles for the Guy'dLines Section, to Help and Policy Pages. Soon, I will move on to other areas of the site, as well as working on the Intranet for employees. Before that, though, we have to get this new behemoth of a site working properly. And that's where the testing comes in. So today, I sat at my computer, pretending to shop and trying to break the system to find out where the problems are. Gets repetitious after a while. That meant that the cravings returned to some degree. <<Adopt "Homer" voice>> Stupid Cravings!

Day 44 - 9/27/00
This is my Quit Meter
1m 1w 5d 12:14 Smoke-Free.
1,750 cigarettes NOT smoked.
$350.00 Money saved. 6d 1:50 Life saved..

Notice that it says that I haven't smoke ONE THOUSAND SEVEN HUNDRED FIFTY SMOKES?!? I gotta tell you, that's a pretty good feeling. I like seeing those milestones pile up. The fact that I've saved 350 dollars in a month and a half feels pretty good, too. Think I'll take Eva out tonight to celebrate. Woo-hoo!!

By the way, now that I'm caught up again, I'm going to try harder to make diary entries every day. Last week I had so much work that it was just impossible to do. Hopefully, things have settled down for a while.

October 1, 2000
I have had so much going on in my life lately that I have been unable to keep up with daily entries into this diary. Because of that, I have decided to make weekly updates, noting anything of import during the week. Since I last posted, things have gone pretty well. I still have cravings - I think that I personally will have them for quite some time, having smoked for over thirty years - but I have been able to deal with most of them easily. When a craving hits me hard, or stays with me a long time, I find that a walk helps a lot. I live in a townhouse community and there are two open spaces very near to our house. So, I just throw on a sweatshirt and hit the park. Usually, it only takes ten or fifteen minutes outdoors to get myself back together. Life is good.

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October 8, 2000
Today we gathered in Philadelphia to celebrate our quits. Jef. and Marsha came up from Alexandria, Steve and Tammy drove in, and I came from New Jersey. Thinking that the get-together was scheduled for noon, that's when I showed up...and interrupted Dave teaching a lesson. I found something to amuse myself with and waited til then others got there. We had some munchies while everyone got caught up and toured the HeyDave studio. Elle and Dave have done a great job putting it together. Dave and I had fun jamming - he's an EXCELLENT guitarist - and it didn't seem to get in the way of the festivities too much. <G>

We headed down south street for Phillie Steak and Cheese samiches. What a treat! Along the way, we found a bunch of fun shops to visit, including one that had the coolest feather boas (it's a running joke in the support group) and another that had all kinds of kinky leather (another running joke). Steve and Jef. took lots of pictures. Check Jef.'s site to get a glimpse of some of the fun.

It was a blast to get to know some of the support group netizens better...to put faces with the names. And it was definitely a great thing to celebrate our nonsmoking status.

October 15, 2000
This week went very well. Fewer cravings, and of lower strength. Even better is the fact that this weekend is going well. Eva is visiting close friends in Wimberley, Texas. She left Friday morning and will be back late tonight. To be honest, I was a bit worried that I would have more trouble than I did, what with her not being here all weekend. Of course, I miss her a bunch, but it hasn't driven me to smoke. Another hurdle crossed...another challenge met.

October 22, 2000
Another week down. The tough part about this week has been today. My father's birthday is tomorrow and I had planned on visiting his grave then. Unfortunately, my Aunt passed away recently...another victim of lung cancer... and the memorial service will be tomorrow morning in Philadelphia. Because of that, we decided to visit Arlington National Cemetery today. My mother and younger sister Meghan came with me. Mom has already been out there, but for Meghan and I, it was the first time since the funeral.

To add to the frustration level of the whole thing, today is the running of the Marine Corps Marathon. This means that they close off a bunch of streets in the DC area, and traffic is a bigger mess than normal. Luckily, it didn't prove to be too bad and we got in and out of the cemetery without much trouble.

I wore my best suit - accessorized VERY conservatively - and brought along the rock I had given him when he was ill. I have carried this rock with me since the funeral. On it is carved the silhouette of a wolf, considered by many cultures to be the Protector. I also brought a wolf carving and a buffalo carving. These I laid on his headstone for a time. I set my rock at the base of the headstone while I said a prayer and sang my song. Then, I spread some sacred herbs across his grave. Afterwards, I just talked to him for a while. I told him how things had been for Eva and I...just in case he had been busy and hadn't been able to keep a close eye on us. After all, he's got Mom to think of. Mom brought a beautiful pot of mums in red and gold...very appropriate as they are not only the colors for his favorite football team (Washington, of course) but also the colors of the Army Engineers.

I am so glad that I went. While it was very tough, it was also very important for me. I feel a strong need to stay as connected as possible to Dad. Some of you may not believe as I do, but I am certain that Dad still has a connection with us. It's important to me that he knows I have kept my promise.

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October 29, 2000
Monday the 23rd, we drove to Philadelphia for my Aunt's memorial service. Aunt Ruth was my mother's brother's first wife. A truly kind and sweet woman, she leaves behind a wonderful daughter, Nancy. Traveling with me were my mother and my sisters Kathye and Meghan. We took two cars so that I could drive straight back to New Jersey...obviously a lot shorter for me.

Aunt Ruth spent her last days in a nursing for Lutherans. The staff seemed to genuinely care for the residents and the priest who ran the chapel was very nice...quiet and reserved, yet allays available when needed. Unfortunately, Ruth didn't have it quite as easy as Dad - that seems tiered, writing that any cancer victim had it easy - she was sick for some time before she passed away. This made it very hard on Nancy, who lived close by and visited her mother often. She arrived a few minutes after we did and when we first greeted each other, she hugged me as if I were her last hold on reality. I thought she would collapse in my arms right then and there. This was a little surprising because she was forced to postpone the memorial service for over a week so that all the right people could attend.

It was tough for me. I still don't understand why this is so, but I have read it on the support group from other people: sometimes when faced with the (cancer-related) death of a loved one, we want very badly to smoke. Sure, it seems to be an extremely tiered way to mourn them, but there it is nonetheless. Several times the cravings swept over me like a tidal wave threatening to drown me. Each time the waved consumed me, I breathed deeply until it ebbed. Some of them were so strong that I was shaking by the time it went away...I don't know if that's from the craving itself or if it was from all the extra oxygen I was getting. Any, by the time I got home, the cravings had subsided for the most part and things were back to normal by the next day.

The rest of the week was easy compared to Monday. It all floated by pretty quickly. Part of that was due to the fact that I had a lot of work to do. Another part is that I've pretty much gotten out of one of my main smoking habits: smoking a cigarette while reading a draft of my work. Before I quit, this was an integral part of my day - to print a copy of whatever essay I was working on, take it downstairs, refill my coffee cup and have a smoke and coffee while I read a paper copy of my work. (I always do my best editing and revision looking at paper...a computer screen is just not the same for me.) At first, it was really hard to not have those "editing smokes". Now, however, I'm OK with it. I'll still print a copy, but now I stay upstairs at my desk to read it. That helped break the habit and also made me slightly more productive because I wasn't going downstairs as often.

Life is good and getting better. I am so glad that I quit smoking. I'm really starting to feel as if my health is improving. Might be mostly in my head, but that's OK. Everything begins with a thought anyway.

November 5, 2000
This week actually went by pretty fast. I had very few cravings that lasted more than a minute. Also, I've had a LOT of work...keeps me from thinking about anything that isn't work-related for very long. The only time any "withdrawal" symptoms showed up was for Halloween. We live in a neighborhood with lots of younger kids. So, of course, we had lots of little trick-or-treaters. Eva has been working 12-13 hour days, so I was home alone to answer the door. It seemed as if the doorbell would ring just after I had settled back in. UP and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!

I had just about reached that point - you know the one - when a group of young teenagers rang the doorbell. The fact that they rang it ten or twelve times in a row didn't help. DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING... you know what I mean. So I answer the door, say hello and hold out my big bowl of candy. And the first kid reaches in with both hands, literally taking almost all of the candy in the bowl and dumps it all into his bag. I think he left one piece of gum that he just missed scooping out.

<<Uh...roger, Houston...booster is lit and ready for takeoff. Nuclear warhead set for 10 seconds...>>

That did it...I called for him to come back. He kept walking. I told him "don't make me come out to your mama's car." He stopped dead in his tracks, but instead of coming back, he yells "what's your problem".

<<Uh...Houston, warhead detonated ahead of schedule...>>

So I gave him the once over for taking so much candy...asked him what I was supposed to give his friends? I dunno... What about all the other kids that are going to come around? I dunno... Do you only care about yourself and how much free stuff you can get? I dunno... Then I asked him if he went to church. Yeah... And do you know what the Golden Rule is? Yeah... So how would you feel if someone did that to you? Or if you were one of your friends standing here waiting for their candy? I'd guess I'd be mad... Yeah, I'm pretty mad, too right about now. What do you think you and I should do about this?

I am so thankful that he agreed to share his haul with his friends and asked if I wanted some of it back for the other kids that would come by later. Otherwise, I'd be in jail about now and I'd be smoking...don't know which would be worse. But I told him if he would split it with his friends, that would be good enough and I'd find some more candy for the other kids. And true to his word, he did split it fairly with his friends. And by the way...just so you don't think I was a COMPLETE jerk, his friends were pretty upset when he took all the candy. His mom wasn't pleased with his greed, but was happy to see his contrition...she even thanked me for the way I dealt with the situation. The only thing left to do after that was take several deep breaths and get rid of the frustration and the craving.

After that, the rest of the week was a breeze.

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November 12, 2000
The week went by quickly...mostly due to work. We're coming down to the wire on the new web site so I've been extremely busy. I've had a few cravings that were rather strong. I attribute them to work-related stress. For these extra-strength nico-demons, I've had to stop work for a few minutes and do some deep breathing or a quick meditation. On one occasion, the only thing that would make it go away was to read my own essay. It brought tears to my eyes - AGAIN - but did make the craving go away. The week end was fine. Once I was away from work, everything was fine.

November 19, 2000
Passed the three month mark this week. Woo-hoo!!! Since it appears that many people take the opportunity to write a meaningful, helpful post on major milestones (and anything with OF in it is a major milestone to me) I wrote another essay. Go to the link on the Quitter Home Page to read that...it's titled QOF. What fun it was to watch the meter slowly tick towards three full months! Any craving that snuck up on me was quickly vanquished by the thought that I adamantly refused to tarnish this milestone with a slip. Then, after posting the essay, as well as another celebratory post, I got to read all the responses from my friends on the support group.

I always try to respond to anyone's milestone post - whether it's for a day, a week, whatever. The reason for this is that I know how good it makes me feel to read all the responses to my own milestone posts. It was no different this time...so many pats on the back. Pompoms waving, people doing backflips, twirling tassles, drinking champagne, offers to sit in with the the support group party band so I could have a celebration dance for myself. What fun! Next week, I'll get to post another milestone...but we'll leave until then. (Don't you just *love* the suspense?!?)

Nov. 26, 2000
As promised, I get to post another milestone this week. I passed the 4000 Cigarettes Not Smoked marker. Wow...that just feels good to say, you know? It's strange to look at the meter and realize just how many cigarettes I could smoke in such a short time. Based on the meter's math, in the 31 years that I smoked, I smoked almost a half a million cigarettes. Whoa!! 500,000 smokes! That just boggles the mind, doesn't it? That's close to $50,000 dollars wasted. WASTED!! It may be even more than that...I used $2.00 as a median price for a pack. Just thinking about that makes me sick. If I had invested that in my retirement account over the years, I'd be so much closer to retirement.

So that's what I'm going to do from now on. In addition to my other savings mechanisms, I am going to set up an automatic deposit to a new savings account. When it hits a certain level, I'll drain it and transfer the money to my retirement accounts. Just one more benefit to not smoking.

Dec. 3, 2000
This week, I got disgusted with the weight I have gained. I've added an extra thirty pounds since quitting. Now, I wasn't "thin" before I quit...but now, I'm just plain ol' FAT! So I've decided that I'm going to start changing my diet. My hope (initially) is to avoid putting on any more weight. After the holiday eating season, I'll get serious about losing some. Oddly enough, the few cravings I had this week came with the thought that it would help me avoid gaining weight. Wasn't nearly enough to make me smoke, however. Not by a long shot.

Dec. 10, 2000
The week has gone by pretty quickly. Very few cravings to deal with...probably due to all the things going on. Tomorrow the new site goes up so we've been doing some final touchups, etc. Plus there's been last minute shopping to do, wrapping presents for the family, etc. This weekend, I've been getting ready for my trip to Fremont. Will be meeting a new team mate, as well as getting ready for the Intranet project. I don't think I've gained any weight this week, which is good news.

Dec. 17, 2000
The trip to Fremont went well. I didn't suffer from "homesick cravings" as much as I did last time. Not really a lot to write about...lots of meetings and not much else. Travel was tough due to the weather...had to reroute both out and back. This meant longer layovers, but since I don't smoke anymore, it didn't matter. Just found a quiet place to sit and read while waiting. Sure is nice to be home.

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Dec. 24, 2000
Well, we made it through the last week before Christmas. Even though I'm not Christian, my family is. We've made a deal - I don't try to convert them and they don't try to convert me. Anyway, we had to go out one last time for a few things. Thankfully, we got to the mall before the rush. By the time we'd finished our shopping and gone to dinner at the restaurant in the mall, things had gotten pretty thick. Most of the people in the mall were pretty uptight - lots of tension in the air. The kind of thing that would have made me want to smoke in my previous life. Not anymore...

We left Saturday morning to visit Eva's family. They do their present exchange the night before - European tradition I'm told. We'll be doing that after dinner, which is nearing completion. Tomorrow, we leave early for my mother's house.

December 31, 2000
Ahhh, the last day of the year. For me, the next month is a time of reflection - to take a look back on the previous year, and to make some choices about where I want to go in the coming year. For so many years, I have toyed with the idea of quitting on New Year's Eve but I never managed to last more than a few hours. I can't tell you how much happier I am this year...to know that I've already quit. That by itself made this one of the best New Year's I've ever had.

January 7, 2001
As I said, this is a time of reflection for me. I've already decided that one of my main goals this year will be to lose the extra weight I've put on since quitting. I didn't want to try to deal with it during the holidays, but now I'm ready. I've been putting a lot of thought into changing my diet, as well as developing an exercise program. I don't want to bulk up, I just want to lose the extra flab. So I'll initially concentrate on the midsection and aerobic exercise. I also want to see if I can find a Tai Chi class close by. Now that my lungs are clearer, I'll probably be able to stick with it.

January 14, 2001
I'm one day shy of five months. I've got to admit, it feels good. The guilt and loss of self esteem that I felt when I knew I should quit but couldn't is gone. It has been replaced by a sense of accomplishment and pride. And it hits me at the most wonderful times. Go to a restaurant and what's the first thing you hear? Smoking or nonsmoking? Nonsmoking, please. And usually, it's a shorter wait to get a table. When I go to stores to visit friends or give a customer service talk, I don't have to worry about the weather outside...because I no longer go out there to catch a quick smoke. I love it.

January 21, 2001
I've been working harder this week. We started the Intranet project at work and I now have a lot of writing to do in a short space of time. Two interesting sides to this. First, I save time because I don't take smoke breaks anymore. That's good for at least on hour a day. Second, this week I missed the breaks. I've had my eyes locked on the computer screen so much that it has been causing some eye strain. Also, I go into a sort of overload mode when I focus on a particular assignment for too long. This has brought cravings back into my head more frequently.

My answer to this has been to rethink my day a little. I've learned to work on several projects each day rather than focus on one at a time. After working for a few hours on one thing, I'll move to something else. This keeps me fresh. I've also started using background music as a sort of timer. Usually, I listen to something quiet and soothing so it doesn't get me wound up. When the CD ends, that's my signal to stand up and stretch, as well as focus my eyes on something distant. It seems to have helped. I've also started keeping a full glass of water nearby. When I get a craving, I drink water instead.

January 28, 2001
The changes I talked about last week have really helped out. I don't end the day feeling quite so frazzled. I'm still under deadline pressure and working as many hours as last week; the only things that changed were the methods I began using to avoid strain so I attribute the improvement to them. I ordered an exercise machine called the AbDoer. It's a sort of torture chair with a grab bar. Since I mainly want to work on aerobic exercise and my middle, it seems to be perfect. We'll see how it works when it gets here.

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February 4, 2001
AbDoer got here at the end of the week. Easy to assemble and, if it works the way the infomercial promises, it'll be great. Got four videos with it: one to ease lower back pain, and three workout videos - beginner, intermediate and advanced. Will start slowly and workout four days per week. Wish me luck!

February 11, 2001
Well, this wasn't the best of weeks, let me tell ya. My computer died a painful death. I came into my office Wednesday morning to see that my hard drive was inaccessible. While trying to restart. it, the power supply fried. What really made things worse is the fact that I had some writing projects that I had yet to back up. I took the machine into the repair shop only to find that my hard drive could not be restored.

I scrambled around trying to figure out how I was going to afford a new computer and, finally, after two days, got it all straightened out. I called Dell Friday afternoon and placed my order. Breathing a sigh of relief, I decided that things could be worse and went on about my life. Then, Sunday evening, Dell calls back to tell me that the credit card didn't go through. What?!?! Now, I knew there was enough on the card to pay for the purchase but I can't do anything until tomorrow. Arrgghh!! But! I didn't smoke and that's the main thing. At least I was smart enough to realize that a cancer stick wouldn't help.

February 18, 2001
Well, things are much better this week. I got the computer order straightened out first thing Monday morning. And the sales rep was kind enough to switch my shipping to overnight at no charge. Tuesday, I log onto the Dell site and see that my computer has been built and is shipping that day. That means that Wednesday, I got an extra Valentine's Day/Anniversary present - a Brand-new Dell computer. Of course, I set it up as soon as it was delivered...which meant I had to work later into the evening to make up for the lost time. But who cares?? I got a new toy! It's screaming fast, has lots of storage and memory. And best of all, it's got a 250MB zip drive for backing stuff up.

Wednesday night, Eva and celebrated our anniversary in style. We went to our favorite restaurant, La Catena, for a wonderful dinner. Everything was excellent, especially the wine. Then home to feed our "kids" (three dogs and a cat) leftover Chateaubriand. Mmmm-mmmm, good!

Then Thursday, I celebrated HOF status. For those that don't know, HOF stands for Half Old Fogey, or 6 months smober. What a great feeling. I remember when I was certain that I couldn't go six days without a butt, much less six months. Nowadays, I don't even miss them. I just enjoy breathing easier, being able to smell and taste things the way they should be, and not smelling like a stale ashtray.

The rest of the week was spent getting to know the new computer and having a great time with it. Over the weekend we watched Manhunter, which is the first movie about Hannibal Lecter. Sunday we saw Hannibal. It was good, but the ending was almost more than we could take. I'll say no more in case you want to go see it.

What a great week!!

February 25, 2001
Well, this week has been a pain. We've been trying to do much more than we should at work lately and it certainly upped my frustration level. I found myself fuming several times a day. But instead of smoking to calm down, I used my breathing exercises, some calm music and a nice cup of tea - or some combination of the three. Now that we're out of the crunch, I'm sure things will calm back down. Other than that, things have been good. I'm learning more about the new computer...actually the software that came with it. Also, on Friday, I switched from my old web hosting plan (which I had gotten back when Netcom was its own company) to a new one. The new plan gives me lots more space and traffic, plus extra e-mail boxes. Coolest of all is that I will now be able to set up ftp download capability, Real Media streaming and some other cool stuff. It'll take a while to get it all together but I think it will improve my web sites When the changeover is complete, I'll mention it here.

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March 4, 2001
Well, work has slowed down, so that's under control again. Stress level is back to normal. The changeover to the new web site was a real mess. Thankfully, the folks at Earthlink were very understanding...they even credited me for some time to make up for the problems. It's going to be a while before I can get all the neat stuff happening. Mainly because I'm not a programmer. I do this page with an old copy of PageMill...which is about as far as I can go on my limited knowledge. I hope to upgrade to Dreamweaver soon.

The cravings are mostly nonexistent. But they do creep up once in a while. Thankfully, they haven't been strong enough to be a real problem. It does make me realize that I need to remain strong in my resolve, however. Can't get too cocky. I will always be a recovering addict to nicotine. That's fine with me...as long as I don't smoke!

March 11, 2001
A quite week. Not much to report. The support group has been going through a bit of trouble, however. A few flame wars and such, but that is simply part of the cycle. It does serve to remind me that it is important to try to be nice on-line. Sometimes, though, I just have to speak my mind and stand up for someone that I feel is getting abuse they don't deserve. Overall, though, the support group is a great group of people and an excellent resource for people trying to quit smoking. If you haven't visited yet, I would strongly suggest you do so. You can never have too much support.

March 18, 2001
I hate taxes!! This week, I had to deal with our taxes. I hate it! And this time was no different. Even though we had to deal with all of that, I didn't have the urge to smoke. I take that as a great sign! Stress was always one of my big triggers. But it seems that I have finally made serious headway in dealing with stress without a cigarette. I'm glad to have the tax stuff behind me, and even happier that I did it without nicotine!

March 25, 2001
I've been in a slump this week. I think it's because Spring is scared to show itself this year. I'm tired of cold and wet and snow and want nothing more than to see some green. I've been moping around a lot. Thankfully, it hasn't caused me to want to smoke...and that's a good thing! Now, if we could just have some warm weather!

© 2001 by Lane Baldwin

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